When sex turns into a tired routine–perfunctory foreplay followed by penetration and ejaculation–our desire is diminished by a dearth of satisfaction. Luckily, thanks to the sex toy industry, there is an ever-expanding toy box to experiment with, however, there is one area that requires some education before accessing it.
BDSM is an umbrella term for a broad spectrum of sexual interests that sit outside of the “vanilla” norm.
“Most people think it means ‘I will hit you, but it’s going to be sexy’,” says dominatrix Mistress Ruby Enraylis. “Technically BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominant, Submissive/Sadism and Masochism which encompasses far more than just sadism.”
What is BDSM?
When the 50 Shades of Grey novels and movies became a worldwide phenomenon, BDSM stormed into the mainstream. More recently, the film 365 Days introduced more people to it.
Although both examples are wildly popular, they are both wildly irresponsible depictions of BDSM. In the 50 Shades of Grey books, Christian Grey demonstrates how dangerous an imbalanced power dynamic is by crossing his submissive’s boundaries after giving her a precarious educational foundation. 365 Days offers an even more dangerous portrayal by romanticizing kidnapping and mental manipulation.
Neither depiction is an accurate representation of what BDSM should be. BDSM is not abuse, it’s the mutually consensual exploration of sex and power dynamics in safe spaces.
Bondage refers to the act of tying up or restraining another person for pleasure or fun. The ‘D’ stands for dominant and describes someone who enjoys being in control of a consenting partner. Submissives are those who thrive on consensually surrendering control to a partner. Sadists are aroused by hurting others and masochists are those who enjoy receiving pain.
“In many BDSM and kink communities, the key components are the D and S in BDSM which signify a power dynamic, without that you are what we call ‘topping’, ‘bottoming’ or ‘switching’,” explains Enraylls. “In other words, doing different activities in different roles but without exchanging power. The activities involved in BDSM vary greatly from person to person and community to community.”
BDSM must be built upon a culture of consent, without it BDSM is simply an avenue for abuse. Any BDSM carried out without prior consent and discussion is abusive and has no place in healthy kink communities.
Destigmatizing kink
We all have internalized shame around sex, it’s inescapable in our sexually repressed society.
BDSM enthusiasts contend with an extra dozen layers of this stigma, largely due to kink shaming and a lack of knowledge pushing this subsection of sexuality into the shadows.
“Kinky people are all around us and they are normal, boring people with boring normal jobs–with some outliers–and white picket fences,” says Enraylls. “I think that many people are afraid to explore because they are afraid of being perceived as a horrible sexual deviant or they are afraid of their friends or family finding out.”
Despite the shame forcibly attached to BDSM, far more of us are into it than you may realize. A 2017 study showed that 20% of sexually active adults in America enjoy being tied up and 30% enjoyed spanking. Do not let a sense of being alone prevent you from venturing into the community.
“It is no one else’s business but yours what you are into and what you are doing,” advises Enraylls. “Being kinky is a great way to explore different ways of expressing sexual desire and sharing intimacy with your partner.”
However, there are some caveats. It is not healthy to explore BDSM if shame is still dictating your approach to sex. It could be destructive for you and impact play partners. Address and start resolving any residual issues attached to your sexuality before diving in.
BDSM has the potential to reveal or exaggerate vulnerabilities you never knew existed. If you’re healing from trauma, tread very carefully.
Identifying your interests
BDSM encompasses a broad range of play, including everything from bondage and roleplay to twisting power dynamics and surrendering control. Our sexuality is primarily psychological, so intellectualizing your proclivities is an important first step in exploring BDSM.
Think before you play. What turns you on? Is it rope, candle wax, being in control, or giving it up? What part of your porn history have you always wanted to experiment with in real life?
“At the beginning, I think it’s a great idea to use lists of interests as a guideline,” says Enraylls. “Use this as a rough draft for your play. As a top, don’t look at your partner’s interests as a to-do list that must be checked off but rather as a tasty menu for you to pick from.”
Easy starting points include beginner-friendly bondage, such as handcuffs, and spanking using your hand.
Communication, boundaries, and safe words
Your next lesson is the foundation of any safe and consensual BDSM interaction: communication. If you cannot talk about sex, stay away from the BDSM community.
The core values of BDSM are open communication and consensual practice. It’s impossible to have a healthy BDSM encounter without them.
Before any play takes place, a conversation needs to happen. The ‘scene’–which refers to the period of play–needs to be discussed. Talk about expectations, hard nos, and when you would like the scene to end.
Identifying boundaries, which could range from not being touched in certain places to having a hard stop point for inflicting pain, is crucial. Partners cannot respect your boundaries if they do not know what they are. Communicate all limits before any play takes place.
Next up, safe words are there to protect both partners, as Enraylls explains.
“First and foremost, unless otherwise discussed, ‘no’ and ‘stop’ always mean ‘no’ and ‘stop’,” she said. “In dungeons, ‘red’ is the default ‘safe word’ that absolutely means I need to stop what we’re doing. Personally, I use the color system: ‘red’ for stop, yellow for slow down, and green for go. It’s easy to remember because we’ve all seen a traffic light.”
An obscure safe word can be easy to forget, so the simplistic traffic light system is great for beginners. However, establish backups for when verbal communication isn’t possible.
“If you play with gags, choking, or your bottom might become non-communicative it’s a great idea to give them something physical to indicate that they need to stop,” adds Enraylls. “I use rubber ducks that they can either drop or squeak.”
Even with safe words in place, a dominant should check in with their submissive regularly, especially if they are a newbie. When triggered during play, remembering a safe word is hard so a dominant should monitor any signs of distress.
Demonstrating restraint (not that kind)
The play box is full and exciting so when you’re just starting out in BDSM, it can be tempting to try everything.
Resist the temptation. You can overwhelm yourself and go too deep too quickly. Show restraint and take your time. There will be plenty of opportunities to explore all of your filthy desires.
Personal restraint is a necessity for a dominant. If there is any chance that arousal would prevent you from responding to a safe word, then you are not a safe partner to play with. Remove yourself from any sexual scenarios until fully able to control your desires.
Aftercare
Aftercare refers to the comedown after the play, where one or both partners might need some care to ensure they are lifted out of ‘subspace’ or ‘dom space’ safely.
For a submissive, this is especially important as you are opening yourself up physically and mentally, which can be exhausting. This is called ‘sub drop’.
Figuring out what aftercare works for you might take some trial and error. Some options include words of affirmation, physical touch, talking through the scene, and more. My favorite aftercare is being bundled in blankets and soothed with physical touch and words of affirmation.
Dominants can also experience ‘dom drop’, which is when they experience a fall in mood after a scene or play session. They may feel guilt for the acts and need reassurance from the submissive that they enjoyed the scene.
Discuss aftercare before playing. BDSM should never be rushed so make sure there is plenty of time to fulfill these needs.
Choosing the right play partner
Selecting safe people to play with is a crucial part of BDSM. The BDSM community is based on consent and respect but there are bad apples in the bunch, so watch out for unhealthy partners.
If they do not do aftercare, run. If they push or mock boundaries, cut ties. If they are too excited by your newness to the scene, back away. Sometimes abusive kinksters look for inexperienced people and as a newbie, you’re more vulnerable. Cut ties with anyone who makes you uncomfortable.
In healthy BDSM communities and dungeons, masters and figures of authority look out for signs of abusive behavior. If you see or feel anything that concerns you, report it.
Set a boundary early on–it can be as simple as not wanting to go to a certain place for a date–to see how a prospective partner responds. Anyone who reacts negatively to a boundary is not a safe person to play with.
Even if you’re desperate to play, be patient. The right partner will come along and you’ll be able to explore this vibrant community safely.