Earlier this year, I engaged in my first-ever threesome. It was a spontaneous MMF, or male/male/female threesome, that I for the most part enjoyed, however, it wasn’t what I expected, especially as I thought it would go down very differently.
I had always fantasized about an MMF threesome, the opportunity to be the center of attraction and to enjoy two people I find attractive at the same time. The concept of the threesome had always intrigued me, and in my fantasy, I wanted to plan it and carefully curate the experience. The ideal scenario would be me and a partner, casual or serious, with another guy we trusted or someone we had vetted together in order for us to be comfortable. The reality was it occurred spontaneously on a night out in a foreign country, with two strangers that I’d known for a few hours before we got down to business.
The Good
Now, for starters, I have been sleeping with more men I find extremely attractive since my last heartbreak, and these two guys were definitely it. I walked out of a nightclub abroad and stumbled on the most gorgeous man I’d seen all night, and luckily for me, he was talkative, and we got along. He found me attractive, and it was clear what we both wanted from one another. Then along came his friend, also a cutie, and the guy who was hosting for the night. Having explained the sleeping arrangements to me, I was still down for a night of fun with both of them and sooner or later I found myself seated between two charming men in an Uber back to their location.
They were pleasant hosts, providing snacks and beverages (coffee and water – they didn’t get me drunk), and they didn’t rush into the threesome. When we were engaged in sex, I can say one’s skillset outshone the others, and the penetration and foreplay I received from him were great. Being in the moment felt like being outside of it and it felt like a thrilling experience as it was happening, I was bewildered and excited. The adrenaline rush was something else and I was checking off a fantasy from my bucket list.
The Bad & The Dirty
Prior to the event, there was no discussion about how the threesome would function. From the conversations we’d had on the way back to the accommodation, it was clear that we were all going to engage in a sexual practice together, but there was no logistical talk about how we’d maneuver the situation. I know logistics aren’t sexy, and we were young, hot, and eager people just wanting to go with the flow. However, because of this decision not to discuss the boundaries, I didn’t feel in control and my pleasure was reduced as a result of it.
On top of that, because I was the female in the scenario dealing with two cishet men, there was a certain pressure to perform as I was the only one willing to satisfy their needs in the room, so I was in my head and less relaxed about just enjoying the sex. Then there were elements of the sex I had that felt degrading, such as both of them choosing to finish on my face, I allowed it because I wanted to please them, but for me, it felt degrading for it to happen twice, and I felt uncomfortable. The situation did not have enough communication and boundaries for me to feel completely relaxed and to wholly make decisions that benefited me and my pleasure. Although I was the center of attention, I don’t feel that my needs were centered as much as theirs, and I wish I’d advocated for my pleasure more.
What’s Your Fantasy (And How Has It Been Warped?)
Threesomes exist in the context of fantasy and porn, depending on the person you encounter. As a fantasy for myself, I pictured two men taking the utmost care of me, going slow, and satisfying my every need as two are better than one right? Well, maybe not. Based on my experience, I realized that the context of porn has wildly shaped what a threesome is supposed to look and feel like.
I felt that my threesome experience was overshadowed by how the men in question had been conditioned to think threesomes are supposed to be. There was initially rougher play in action when we first began, which I had to veto as soon as it arose for the sake of my comfort. The need to be extra dominant to mirror the actions seen in porn is a common problem that I have encountered when engaging in sexual activity with cishet men, and this was no different in the threesome. There were points in which they’d exercise behavior not for the sake of pleasure but in order to exert dominance. Although their general nature outside of the sex was sweet and caring, their sexual habits were different.
The story I told myself about my experience and how I relayed it to the world was that my threesome was the positive, liberating experience I’d always wanted. However, I was cascading the parts that weren’t so good about it in order to romanticize my sex life and make it seem perfect. Now, having reflected on it more, I can safely say it wasn’t all that I was hoping for, and it could have been better. I will still strive to have another threesome. I now know that in order to have a better experience, I need to change my mindset.
How You Can Have a Better Threesome
I spoke to some experts from sexual health organization The Brook in order to get some advice and guidance on the best and safest way to execute a safe and healthy threesome that is pleasure-driven.
Francesca Fiennes, the education and wellbeing specialist at The Brook, had this to say: “Open and honest communication is vital at all stages of a threesome – before, during, and after. Before engaging in a threesome, it’s important to have a conversation to discuss the boundaries and needs of everyone involved. Remember to discuss contraception and safer sex so you’re all on the same page and looking after each other’s sexual health.”
She continues, “In any sexual encounter, it is imperative that all parties are asking for and receiving consent. It is important to reflect on what this sounds, looks, and feels like. Can we have this type of sex? Can I touch you here? What turns you on? Where are you most comfortable? Even if these conversations occur, any party can change their mind at any time, but it can be useful to establish clear boundaries if they are needed. Aftercare is also important – it’s a good idea to check in after the experience, and reflect emotionally on how you found the experience, particularly if it is different to one you normally have.”
There is still a lot of shame, blame, and guilt that I put on myself whenever I have sexual experiences that aren’t great, and that for me led to less open and honest communication about my experience. I think it’s okay to say, ‘Actually this really cool thing that I’d always wanted to do, didn’t meet all my expectations and it could have been better.’
There is no shame in saying it was a 6/10 experience that could have been improved if I’d known more and had better preparation. It’s important to be realistic about pleasure. I want to go through life having the best sex I can, and by saying that this experience was just okay, then I’m not adding to the myth surrounding threesomes being an end-all, be-all sexual phenomenon. Honesty goes a long way, and if mine helps someone reassess a fantasy before going into it unprepared, then that’s good with me.