Warning: This story contains sexually explicit language.
Every year Pornhub, the online epicenter of free adult videos, reviews the world’s porn habits so no one else has to. And while there are some unsurprising takeaways from its 2016 report (breaking: most of us watch porn after 10pm), the most head-scratching reveal is what Americans like to get off to the most: your dad’s second wife.
That’s right, “step mom” is Pornhub’s top search in the U.S., followed by the always popular “lesbian,” “step sister,” and “milf”—a one-step-removed-from-your-actual-mom pattern I’ll leave to the Freudian experts to expound upon. (Note: it’s men who rank “step mom” and “step sister” at the top, while women are more into “lesbian,” “lesbians scissoring.”)
Category-wise, Americans like lesbian, ebony, and teen (18+) videos the most, and we’re searching for “big booty Latina,” “big black dick,” and “ebony” more than any other country in the world. So congratulations: We’re diverse, if not in our dating habits, at least in stimulating and satisfying our horniness.
via Pornhub.com/Insights
As for our taste in “porn stars,” we like what we know, and what we know very well is Kim Kardashian, who tops search lists like this every year even though her sex tape came out 10 years ago. Runners-up include Mia Khalifa and top milf Lisa Ann.
Speaking of women, surprise, we like porn! About 25 percent of Pornhub members in America are female. However, ladies in Jamaica and Micronesia seem to live in cultures even more accepting about female sexual pleasure, as 46 and 42 percent of Pornhub users there, respectively, are women.
via Pornhub.com/Insights
In more good news, Pornhub members are age-appropriate. “Teen” is a search term that ranks only with 18–24 year-olds, while the 65-plus crowd is into “granny” and the more traditional “hairy pussy.”
While it’s no revelation that Pornhub users seem to be most active between the hours of 10pm and 1am, the next chunk of time we’re checking out the hot version of the woman who can never replace our mother is right after lunch, between the lull of 2pm to 5pm, when we can’t really concentrate on anything more than cleaning out our inboxes anyway.
All in all, 2016 was quite a wackadoo year, so it’s fitting that Pornhub saw a rise in Pokémon, Harley Quinn, and, yep, Trump searches. The day after the election, there was a 2,568-percent spike in searches for his youngest, most-elusive daughter Tiffany, followed by stepmom Melania (+1,538 percent), milf Ivanka (+1,169), and dear ol’ Don himself (+874 percent). Eric and Don Jr. didn’t seem to make much of an impact on our libidos, however.
I wouldn’t expect those same Trump surges by the end of 2017, but who knows, Americans apparently like a freaky spin on traditional family values.
