What would you do if your partner said, “You look so good taking it,” while looking deep into your eyes during sex? And how about “That’s my good girl/boy?“
While some people get shy and awkward when someone compliments them, some respond to praise with more than a smile and a polite “thank you.” Some people feel immense pleasure when their partners praise them during sexual interactions. If you’re one of those people, you might have a praise kink.
What is a praise kink?
Many people enjoy some kind of kink, and while it’s hard to pinpoint the root of those kinks when it comes to praise, there is a very logical reason for enjoying it. “People have a basic need to feel wanted and desired,” says Suzannah Weiss, certified sex educator, sex/love coach, and resident sexologist for FrolicMe. “Receiving praise in the bedroom fulfills this need.”
Weiss also explains that praise kink can be closely tied to exhibitionism tendencies, mainly when the compliment is targeted at someone’s body. “Feeling your partner’s eyes take you in and appreciate your body is hot for some people,” she says.
Praise during sex can also be an excellent way for people who have trouble letting go and enjoying themselves due to body image issues. “[Praise is a way] to get reassurance that their partner is pleased with them so that they can relax and focus on the pleasure,” says Weiss.
Sex educator Niki Davis-Fainbloom assures that it is entirely normal to be turned on by praise, and you’re not alone. “Praise kinks may be one of the most common kinks out there,” she says.
#praisek1nk and TikTok
And if we look at social media, particularly TikTok, we can see that many people are out there embracing the praise kink. The hashtag #praisek1nk has over half a billion views on TikTok, and people worldwide are sharing their shared love for being praised and how to do it the right way.
Praise kink is a common topic in the sex-positive kink and BDSM communities. It’s relatively natural, considering that praise is an aspect of the power dynamic exploration common amongst BDSM practitioners. Affectionate words are often a way to communicate during the scenes between the dominant and submissive partners.
“Praise kink is often when the sub receives praise from the dominant for excelling in their sexual duties,” Davis-Fainbloom explains. Hearing praise from their dominant partner can be a massive turn-on for those with a submissive mindset.
What’s interesting, though, is that not only the sex-positive kink and BDSM community are actively promoting praise kink on the app. Even the book community on TikTok (known as BookTok) is participating in the conversation on the topic, even though the general stereotype is that so-called bookworms are “innocent.”
You wouldn’t think that book lovers would be the ones to teach you how to talk dirty to your partner in the bedroom, but the steamy romance side of BookTok might be the best place to find inspiration for ways to praise your partner if they have a praise kink.
“Good girl” isn’t everything
In a video that accrued over half a million views and over a hundred thousand likes, RJ Whitmore started a discussion among the community on the best praise phrases from romance books.
Interestingly, one of the most common praises, “good girl,” wasn’t even at the top of the list.
In the video’s comment section, the book community shared some of the best examples from their favorite books, where the hero uses dirty talk and praise during sexual intercourse with the heroine. Phrases like “You’re doing so well, look at how you take it,” “I wish you could see yourself right now,” and “You feel so good I’m going to lose control” are just a few examples of empowering language. They’re also examples that can be found in romance books.
It’s not surprising that many readers enjoy reading romance novels with explicit sex scenes that feature dirty talk and praise in particular. While romance novels are a separate genre from erotica novels, they still can serve the purpose of any other erotic material (porn, written, or audio erotica) to help you get aroused.
What are other mediums for exploring praise kinks?
When it comes to the praise kink, romance novels are just one of the mediums to explore. “An enjoyment of praise kinks can be explored over text, during sex, and in literature – for the same reason,” Davis-Fainbloom says. Weiss adds that “in romance novels […], someone who hears someone being praised might put themselves in that person’s position and enjoy the praise vicariously through them.”
Two BookTok creators with an immense love for steamy romance books, RJ Whitmore and Kylie, agreed that when done right, the praise during sex in the books can elevate the experience for both the book heroine and the reader for a few reasons.
“Who doesn’t want to be told they’re doing a good job or they look perfect from this angle?” Whitmore asks. She believes hearing the hero praise the heroine recognizes all the amazing things women do in relationships that go unacknowledged.
The hero praising the heroine during sex is also a way to assure their feelings. “The hero using dirty talk during sex with the heroine in romance books is attractive to me because there is no guessing what he is enjoying about the encounter,” Kylie says.
Well-written praise can elevate the romantic experience in books. Erotic material like porn, audio erotica, and steamy romance novels usually serve as tools to explore sexual fantasies rather than blueprints of how to have sex.
Education and listening might make you a better lover
But bestselling romance author Lena Hendrix believes that romance novels can be an effective way to become a better lover. “The truly smart men know that picking up the romance novel their partner is reading and seeing what she might be into is like a cheat code for being a top-tier bedroom partner,” Hendrix says.
When learning the ropes of your partner’s praise kink, the key is communication and exploring the kink slowly. “Get to know your partner to understand what each of them likes,” Hendrix explains.
If communicating about the kink is difficult, a safe way to start exploring is with gentle, affectionate phrases. See how your partner responds to them before moving any further. Using phrases like, “That feels so good,” “You look amazing doing [insert activity],” and “I love it when you [insert activity]” can be a great start. “Something like “we fit together so well” or “I was made to fit you” can not only be dirty but incredibly sweet,” Hendrix adds.
Kylie agrees with Hendrix’s suggestion to start slow and increase the pace when using praises. “[Praise] is especially attractive in books because the authors usually provide the perfect amount whereas, in real life, it could be more easily overdone,” she says.
Next time you see your partner reading a steamy novel, you might want to join them. Learn exactly what turns them on and why by diving into the source of their fantasies. You might just be unlocking a new world of pleasure in your relationship.